- Mood:
Eager
Why is my life the way it is? Why was I born on this Earth to be the front row man to such pain, discomfort and disappointments. Everything I've gained, I've lost. Everything I've fought for.. has been taken away. Every step I make.. I fall.
I'm not happy anymore. I'm so sick of ignoring the fact and pretending to be happy. I don't like my life anymore... I've lost motivation to move forward. My family is nothing but a joke to me anymore. My social life is.. pitiful, and tho I have been able to reconnect to people these past few weeks it's no where near enough.
I want to feel loved again.. full hearted love. Like the love of a Mother.. or a Daughter.. that comforting love. I want to know and feel that I have someone to just not feel alone with. A shoulder to lean on.. cry on. I don't have that anymore.. and the worse thing is I downright crave it.
My mind is in a very dark place tonight. Between having a very disappointing Halloween, finding out those who I care most for.. don't care the same for me & my body deciding it's a good day to be in uncontrollable social-killing pain.. I'm just not happy.
I blame my cousin for all of this. I spent 4 years of my life, devoted.. I sacrificed my social life for her. I sacrificed housing chances for her.. Everything for her and what does she do? Moves out to go fuck off at her Mother's.. lie to me about why she can't visit (seriously, who lies about lying about being told to lie about going to church? ha) me when instead she just wants to go fuck around with friends. Also can't forget the boyfriends, smoking, parties, drinking and NOT GOING TO SCHOOL.
Ugh. Never have kids. They use you and toss you like a old toy... and they feel nothing about it.